Sourdough Cinnamon Rolls, Pumpkin Peanut Butter Dog Treats, and Grief.
Recipes used:
Sourdough Cinnamon Rolls from The Perfect Loaf
Pumpkin Dog Treats from Spend with Pennies
Here we are, one week away from the worst day of the year. Time to distract myself with baking. It's like procrasta-baking, but with more denial. With procrasta-baking (procrastinating by baking, if you didn't know), you are trying to make yourself feel like you accomplished something even though you know you have to do the other thing you are putting off. Distraction baking is all about pretending you DON'T feel what you actually feel and give yourself a false sense of happiness. In this case, I am pretending I don't feel the soul-crushing weight of my dad's death.
Why cinnamon rolls and pumpkin dog treats? Well, one I have been experimenting with my lovely sourdough starter that was gifted to me from a coworker. It is from the 1800s and has been passed through her family for generations, so it is pretty fancy. So far I have tried two sourdough bread recipes, sourdough biscuits (failure), and sourdough foccacia. I really wanted to make another sourdough thing, and I figured cinnamon rolls would be fun.
As for the dog treats, well, I just had a can of pumpkin puree and have wanted to make them for a while. I figured why not.
With apologies to the creator of the recipe, I do not think my cinnamon rolls will be very good. I am writing this as they are still fermenting, but the recipe is apparently based on a brioche dough, which I have never done before. I am kinda jumping in with both feet with this whole bread making thing. But the recipe clearly says that the butter should be fully incorporated into the dough with no lumps and as I am doing the turns during the bulk fermentation, I can 100% feel lumps of butter. So this should be fun.
The dog treats are done. Eda seems to love them. Not surprising. I have bagged them up and will give them to my friends with dogs. They were very easy to do and I will probably make more dog treats in the future. Note to self, invest in cookie cutters.
Grief is so weird, man. You always hear about the five stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance - and you think that it is a progression of emotions that will eventually end. Nah, man. Grief doesn't have a shape. It isn't a line or a circle or a star or a five dimensional blob. It is a cloud, amorphous and formless. It comes and goes with the wind, seemingly at random.
You still feel the stages, sure. Especially at the beginning. They are just all a whirlwind and never come in the same order. Even acceptance, which is supposed to be "the end," circulates within all the other stages. You think you have accepted what is happening/has happened. You feel content and ready to "move on." But then depression comes rushing over you and it all just begins again.
For me, right now, three years later, I mostly circulate between acceptance, depression and, recently, anger. So much anger.
I don't even know what I am angry at, besides everything. Everything annoys me. How dare people be happy. How dare my friends be so carefree. How dare good things happen to anyone. How dare my dog, my beloved dog, have needs I must fulfill. I am angry at my grief because I think it should be gone by now. Or at least a little less. I am angry at my depression for trying to suffocate me. I am angry at myself for my perceived failures. Why does everything have to be SO HARD.
Once anger has worn me out, depression comes to smooth everything over by luring me into its embrace. Just sleep, lay in bed. Don't do anything all day. There is no point in doing things. Everything is meaningless anyway. Your life is going nowhere. Your future is empty and lonely. You'll never be happy. You'll never lose weight. You'll never feel good about yourself.
Don't think about that. Don't think. Dontthinkdontthinkdontthinkdontthink. Breathe. In. Out. Inhale. Exhale.
Sourdough Cinnamon Rolls from The Perfect Loaf
Pumpkin Dog Treats from Spend with Pennies
Here we are, one week away from the worst day of the year. Time to distract myself with baking. It's like procrasta-baking, but with more denial. With procrasta-baking (procrastinating by baking, if you didn't know), you are trying to make yourself feel like you accomplished something even though you know you have to do the other thing you are putting off. Distraction baking is all about pretending you DON'T feel what you actually feel and give yourself a false sense of happiness. In this case, I am pretending I don't feel the soul-crushing weight of my dad's death.
Why cinnamon rolls and pumpkin dog treats? Well, one I have been experimenting with my lovely sourdough starter that was gifted to me from a coworker. It is from the 1800s and has been passed through her family for generations, so it is pretty fancy. So far I have tried two sourdough bread recipes, sourdough biscuits (failure), and sourdough foccacia. I really wanted to make another sourdough thing, and I figured cinnamon rolls would be fun.
As for the dog treats, well, I just had a can of pumpkin puree and have wanted to make them for a while. I figured why not.
The dough as it starts its bulk fermentation
Special shout out to the Shatto milk bottles that have been sitting on the counter forever.
They were decent cookie cutters
The dog treats are done. Eda seems to love them. Not surprising. I have bagged them up and will give them to my friends with dogs. They were very easy to do and I will probably make more dog treats in the future. Note to self, invest in cookie cutters.
Grief is so weird, man. You always hear about the five stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance - and you think that it is a progression of emotions that will eventually end. Nah, man. Grief doesn't have a shape. It isn't a line or a circle or a star or a five dimensional blob. It is a cloud, amorphous and formless. It comes and goes with the wind, seemingly at random.
You still feel the stages, sure. Especially at the beginning. They are just all a whirlwind and never come in the same order. Even acceptance, which is supposed to be "the end," circulates within all the other stages. You think you have accepted what is happening/has happened. You feel content and ready to "move on." But then depression comes rushing over you and it all just begins again.
For me, right now, three years later, I mostly circulate between acceptance, depression and, recently, anger. So much anger.
I don't even know what I am angry at, besides everything. Everything annoys me. How dare people be happy. How dare my friends be so carefree. How dare good things happen to anyone. How dare my dog, my beloved dog, have needs I must fulfill. I am angry at my grief because I think it should be gone by now. Or at least a little less. I am angry at my depression for trying to suffocate me. I am angry at myself for my perceived failures. Why does everything have to be SO HARD.
Here is a cute dog picture in the middle of all this angst
Once anger has worn me out, depression comes to smooth everything over by luring me into its embrace. Just sleep, lay in bed. Don't do anything all day. There is no point in doing things. Everything is meaningless anyway. Your life is going nowhere. Your future is empty and lonely. You'll never be happy. You'll never lose weight. You'll never feel good about yourself.
Don't think about that. Don't think. Dontthinkdontthinkdontthinkdontthink. Breathe. In. Out. Inhale. Exhale.
The cinnamon rolls came out pretty good.
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