Literally No Idea What I am Doing

 This post is not about marriage. Very few things of the last month have lined up with my expectations for this period of my life. And before the chorus of "well duhs" come in, hold on a sec and listen to my rambling.  I didn't expect to be in my mid-thirties. I didn't expect to meet on an app. I didn't expect to be in Kansas. I didn't expect my dad to be dead. And I didn't expect that my sister would hate me. Hah! You thought this was going to be another post about my dead dad, didn't you? Nope, sucker. It's a totally different emotional and depressing familial scenario. I mean the dead dad thing still sucks, don't get me wrong. Especially at this time of year. But this is a whole separate kettle of onions, can of worms, giant stinky mess. I know that just by writing this (and inevitably posting on my Facebook), there's a chance my sister will see this and get extremely angry and make yet another post of her own on FB talking about how wro...

  My dad is limes. My memory of a perfect Christmas is a recipe for key lime pie. The limes are all gone. For most of the year, I don't really need or crave limes. Sure, there are times when I think limes would be good, or I particularly miss them, but there are so many other things that fill the need for limes. On a day to day basis, a lack of limes does not affect me too much. Christmas though...Christmas was the time for limes. They are, after all, the key ingredient in a key lime pie. How can one have Christmas without them. There is nothing I can do to substitute limes and still come up with a key lime pie. I have all the ingredients in the world, except for the one that makes it work. No matter how hard I try, I will never have key lime pie again. Does that mean I still can't have something tasty? No, of course not. It just won't be key lime pie. It'll never be key lime pie.  It's kind of a hard thing to accept. Every year, without fail, the craving for key li...

Ok, so first of all, no, not all of these posts will be about my dead dad. This is just a special sort of weekend and it coincided with my idea to start blogging more, so here we are. Second of all, yes, this is supposed to be about stuff I cooked and/or baked and I did NOT make ice cream, but hey, my blog my rules. See above for special weekend. This is also a sort of filler post until my next one, as the food I am making for that takes a while and won't be ready until tomorrow at earliest. That out of the way....here is a picture of the completed cinnamon rolls from before that I didn't add to my last post because it ended kinda abruptly: They were as ugly as sin...namon. See what I did there? I will see myself out... Grief is real weird, y'all. Also kinda dumb, if I am honest. Did I say that before? Don't know, and too lazy to re-read what I wrote. But really, it is dumb and weird. Earlier this week, while at work, I became overwhelmingly sad. For no...

Recipes used: Sourdough Cinnamon Rolls from The Perfect Loaf Pumpkin Dog Treats from Spend with Pennies Here we are, one week away from the worst day of the year. Time to distract myself with baking. It's like procrasta-baking, but with more denial. With procrasta-baking (procrastinating by baking, if you didn't know), you are trying to make yourself feel like you accomplished something even though you know you have to do the other thing you are putting off. Distraction baking is all about pretending you DON'T feel what you actually feel and give yourself a false sense of happiness. In this case, I am pretending I don't feel the soul-crushing weight of my dad's death. Why cinnamon rolls and pumpkin dog treats? Well, one I have been experimenting with my lovely sourdough starter that was gifted to me from a coworker. It is from the 1800s and has been passed through her family for generations, so it is pretty fancy. So far I have tried two sourdough bread rec...

I can't be mad at my dad for choosing to die. My dad was diagnosed in late July with CNS lymphoma. He had a massive tumor in his frontal lobe and surgery was only able to remove part of it. It was the first day of what was supposed to be a vacation in upstate New York. We had noticed him acting a little strangely the week before, but he stubbornly refused to go to a doctor until we were in Syracuse. I remember when they said he had a brain tumor the floor fell from beneath my feet and I felt cold all over. It couldn't be happening. He had his surgery in New York and we left for home (Kansas, driving) a few days later. He was back in the hospital almost as soon as we got home. He had an infection, which necessitated more surgery. But he also had diabetes, so they had to get his blood sugar under control before they could clear the infection. He was in the ICU for almost a week I believe, mostly not responsive. After another week or so he was transferred to a different hos...

How appropriate my last blog post was about my dad as well and what a great father he is… My dad has cancer. My dad has cancer . My dad has cancer. My dad has cancer. I keep repeating it to myself over and over and over again, hoping it’ll help me believe it. It doesn’t. I have told this story a dozen times already, but I want to write it down once more. Two months ago, everything was great. I had a boyfriend whom I loved, I was getting ready to go on a trip to my favorite place (Syracuse, NY) with my family, my sister had just adopted an adorable puppy, and my depression was more under control than it had been my whole life. Things were sailing along. My sister mentioned my dad was acting sort of strange, but we brushed it off because he seemed mostly fine. He had just been told he had a sinus infection, so we figured that was making him a little tired and it explained his memory problems and just slightly off behavior. Four days later, whe...

Depression is not for the faint of heart. A week ago, I was officially diagnosed with major depressive disorder, also known as major depression or clinical depression. This was not exactly a surprise. I have dealt with depression for as long as I can remember. But this was the first time I was actually told it was actually a big deal. I assumed it was the “normal” kind of depression, whatever that is. I just thought that it wasn’t too serious since I have never tried to kill myself or anything. But it is serious. I am slowly coming to realize how much my illness affects my life. From what I remember/understand that my new therapist told me, a big part of depression is an incorrect “wiring” in my brain, causing miscommunication and extreme emotional reactions to things. He told me that a lot of our thinking is formed by the time we’re seven, so if something taught us then to react a certain way, it’s likely that will stick with us for the rest of our lives. Another thing that a...