One month into marriage

 This post is not about marriage.

Very few things of the last month have lined up with my expectations for this period of my life. And before the chorus of "well duhs" come in, hold on a sec and listen to my rambling. 

I didn't expect to be in my mid-thirties. I didn't expect to meet on an app. I didn't expect to be in Kansas. I didn't expect my dad to be dead. And I didn't expect that my sister would hate me.

Hah! You thought this was going to be another post about my dead dad, didn't you? Nope, sucker. It's a totally different emotional and depressing familial scenario. I mean the dead dad thing still sucks, don't get me wrong. Especially at this time of year. But this is a whole separate kettle of onions, can of worms, giant stinky mess.

I know that just by writing this (and inevitably posting on my Facebook), there's a chance my sister will see this and get extremely angry and make yet another post of her own on FB talking about how wrong I am, how I am the actual bad guy, etc. I have seen the others. She may have me blocked, but word inevitably gets around. I accept that. But I have gotten to the point, mentally, where I feel I cannot contain my thoughts inside my own brain. They are spilling out and I need to put them on digital paper or I will continue to slowly implode.

A basic tenant of existing in my sister's world is that you are not allowed to have your own feelings or perspective. Everything must be about her and line up with what she perceives to be true. Let me be clear, I do not claim that my own views of what happened are absolutely 100% true either. Truth always lies in the middle. Being objective is impossible when one's self is involved. Not to mention that human memory is an incredibly tricky thing.

I think that is actually the worst part. I don't know if I am the villain. Am I as bad as she says? Do I deserve all of the anger and disdain she has passed upon me? Should I be on my knees, begging for forgiveness? Truthfully? I don't know. There are times when I believe it. 

Why not, right? I am, perhaps better than anyone else, keenly aware of my faults. They are many and extensive. Is it really such a stretch to believe that I am actually a selfish and manipulative person? Using my tears and mental health as weapons to trick people into thinking I deserve their pity. Certainly would be easy for me. Poor, sad, dead dad Bekah. Single and unloved for most of her life. So few friends, just her and her dog and cat and a lot of yarn against the world. Surprise, this is my villain reveal. I have fooled you all along and I am not actually a depression and anxiety ridden person. I just want the attention. Everything must revolve around me at all times. No one else's needs matter. My pain is the only pain.

It says a lot to where I am at that I actually believe that, at least somewhere deep in my brain. 

It's harder to believe that I am a being worthy of the amazing amount of love and support I have gotten over the last few months. Yeah, on the one hand, it would have been great if some of these people could have (metaphorically) smacked me upside my head and dragged me out of the situation before it got as bad as it did. But the revelation that people like...like me? They care? They worried about me? Absolutely wild. Genuinely, the number of people who saw what was going on and could immediately tell that it would be bad is crazy. I didn't think people paid attention to me or what I've said in the past. Why should they? Where do I get off thinking I should take up anyone's brain space for any longer than a few minutes, and only when I am directly in front of them. Also, I do know that I wouldn't have been receptive to getting dragged out until the end. I truly believed it wasn't that bad. And it has only been recently, four months after leaving, that the true weight of it has sunk in. Ask my husband. The amount I have cried during our honeymoon phase is, uh, a lot.

I think what hurts is how deep her hatred of me apparently is. We have fought in our lives, as many of my friends and family know very well. It has never lasted this long or this badly. My sister is telling people I didn't invite her to my wedding. I can tell you right now that this is not true. I have at least two emails and a text message that would prove it. Actually I have a lot of texts that could refute some of the claims she has made about me. But what would be the point in dragging them out and perpetuating this feud? Yes, posting this could easily spark it further, as I said earlier. Should that silence me? Should that stop me? Maybe. But it isn't.

My whole wedding experience wasn't what I expected or dreamed. My dad wasn't there, which I worked really hard to avoid thinking about (with some success, I might add). I don't have any grandparents left either. It was small, intimate, and very simple. Also it rained like, the entire ceremony. But you know what I really missed? My sister.

My sister wasn't there. Not before, not during, not after. I didn't have her opinions on my dress or ring. I didn't have her give me advice on sex, those deeply personal and intimate moments that sisters are supposed to be able to share. Her kids weren't there. No small flower girls running around or teens to roll their eyes in embarrassment. No full family photos. No sharing of my fears and anxieties. She wasn't there for my reception either. She didn't get to join my brother in throwing confetti all over our cake, her kids didn't run with the others as they continued to throw confetti one everyone else for the rest of the evening. No words of encouragement while I've gone through my first pregnancy scare (no I am not pregnant, just stressed myself out of a period apparently). Things you expect sisters to be there for. 

Somehow, despite the years we have spent at each others' throats, I still have this ideal dream for a sister in my mind. I crave it more than I knew. Where did I get this idea? It's never been true for us. But I have always wanted it. I still do. Yeah, I'm the sucker who still loves my sister and wants to make things better. In my most down of down days, I want to reach out, apologize, let her yell at me, and move on like everything is fine now. Why am I this stupid. Why can't I see that it's impossible to have a relationship with someone who only looks at you for what you can do for them. And when your usefulness runs out, they lose interest. And if you displease them in some way, are fully willing to ignore the six months of your life that you gave up for them. Everything in that time undone in an instant and fully burned from their mind. 

Let me make this absolutely clear: I have people in my life who love me. I have friends who have supported me during this big dumb dumb stage of my life and didn't visibly judge me until later when I realized I deserved it. I have an incredible sister in law who has filled that sister shaped hole in my heart. I cannot express my gratitude for her in any adequate way. I have a mother who just has been amazing for years, really. 

And finally, I have a husband. Which like, honestly is insane to me, even now. That idea was slowly dying when he came into my life like, well, a wrecking ball. He really ruined my crazy cat and dog lady life plans. How can I possibly think of dying alone surrounded by piles of unused yarn when he so rudely exists? When I tell you that this man is the most amazing partner I could have asked for, please know that this is an understatement. He has held my hand, literally and figuratively, through everything. He has seen it all, even if from a distance at times. He saw me flame out at my sister's. He has watched my slow realization of how much it has affected me. He has put up with my many, many crying spells. Quietly held me as I could not form words to express what I was thinking. Fed me, done the dishes, done my laundry when I can barely get off the couch. Calmed me down when I spiraled into anxiety and panic. Without resentment or complaints. Just there. For me. No matter what. I don't deserve him. I hope someday I can return the favor ten thousand times over some day. Surely I won't be this big if a disaster forever, right? Right? It has to be his turn eventually, I just know it.

So no. My first month of marriage has not been anything like I expected. I never expected to feel such conflicted emotions of happiness and sorry. I didn't expect I could feel so alone but so wanted at the same time. So safe, so warm. Whatever happens now and in the future, I have no regrets about him. May he always feel the same about me.