Hobbies Include: Not Writing

If I have one superpower (and lbhrn [lets be honest right now], I probs only have one), it would be procrastination. Proof? Well while I’m writing this post, I am also working on a Christmas card for a friend that I said I was going to be putting in the mail like, two days ago (Moogle-chan, I’m sorry that I suuuuck). Which is I guess less an example of procrastination and more an example of me sucking, except that it IS procrastination when Christmas is in less than a week. I also have a writing job that I should be working on because I said I would have it done before I left on Christmas Eve, but I’m not working on that yet. Why? Well, partly because they don’t pay me enough, BUT REALLY:

I have a simultaneous fear of success and failure. Which I guess a lot of people do, but here is how it works into my procrastination.

The longer I put off doing something, the longer I have where the thing I am creating still has potential. That might not be clear, so let me explain.

I have an image of how I want something in my head. In my head, it is great. It’s exactly what I want and it’s just the best. It is full of unbridled potential for excellence. As soon as I start working on that thing, whether it’s a drawing, a cake, a story, or whatever, that potential goes away and becomes reality. And if that reality doesn’t match up to what I want it to be, I am crushed. If it does, then I feel pressure to create something of that caliber each time.

This is why I talk such big talk about being a writer, but do you ever see me doing any actual writing? Heck no! Because I don’t want other people to READ what I have written! That means they’ll have opinions on it and those opinions might be good and they might be bad. I have novels and stories galore written in my head, but what I actually have written out is sparse and barely dips into the cache in my brain.

I do not procrastinate because I don’t want to do the work. I mean yeah, it would be great to get results without having to do all the effort, but really I just don’t want anyone to see what I’ve done in case it’s good and in case it sucks.

It’s like when you like someone but don’t know if they like you back. In your head you can dream of how everything would be perfect if they liked you all while conveniently ignoring the possibility that they won’t. Most people would probably eventually work up the nerve to find out if they like you too and let the cards fall where they may. Not me. I would rather live in agonizing uncertainty. Because what if they don’t like me? Then I’ll just be wondering what is wrong with me and beating myself up for all of the little things that I think I have done to make myself so unlikable. But what if they DO like me?! What the crap am I supposed to do then?! I’ll have to deal with the pressure of continuing to be likeable. And even if I manage to handle that part, I’ll be worrying about the day where, inevitably, they stop liking me. No thanks. I’ll just stay here in limbo until the person has either moved on or I’ve beaten my feelings to death and then smothered them in their sleep just to be sure. That sounds waaaay healthier.

I love writing. I love when the ideas in my head flow through my fingers and compose themselves precisely how I want them to. It’s peaceful and magical and beautiful. But how much writing have I done lately? Practically none because I’ve created a massive wall of criticism somewhere between my brains and my fingers. It’s probably in my elbows. But the words can’t get through it. Whenever I try to write, either by hand or on the computer, the story gets stuck in this wall and all I can think of is how dumb it sounds when it is actually on paper.

This past week in church, I had to give a talk during our sacrament meeting. It was pretty easy, I just had to talk about myself and stuff for like five minutes. I didn’t even procrastinate; it was a couple of days before I had to give it that I wrote down a draft late at night. I immediately hated it the next morning. I then proceeded to wait until two hours before I had to give it to write another draft. I didn’t look at it after I was done because I didn’t want to give myself a chance to hate it. I hated it after I spoke, but that’s because giving a talk is like being in an argument; as soon as you’re done, you think of everything you should have said that would have been better.

And that was just with a really quick talk for church. What am I going to do when I actually get something published? Be like JK Rowling and years later be all “Oh, I should have done it this way and I regret how I did it?” That would be a nightmare.

So really, what I want is to be able to publish something, have people buy it, but not actually read it. Like when I cook something, I want to put it in front of people and then go “DON’T EAT IT” but just have them quietly and politely make it all disappear.

It is amazing how much this principle applies to my life. I freak out about dieting and exercise because I am scared of what will happen if I fail and stay the same or if I succeed and change my whole body. I’m scared of applying for jobs because if they don’t want me, that means I am unwanted, but if I get the job that means I am expected to actually do the job and holy crap is that scary. I’m scared of making friends because, well, that’s actually just because I have no idea how to make friends. The friends I have are just…things that have happened to me and I have no idea how it happened but I love them to death. I get anxious about inviting people over because if they don’t come I’ll feel crushed but if they do come I’ll be panicked about making sure everyone is having fun. I’m essentially a mess.

I’m not sure what I’ll do with this revelation that I am basically a coward who wants to live in limbo forever because it is better than both succeeding and failing. Try and overcome my issues I guess, but I have no idea how that will go.

Anyway, Merry Christmas! And a happy birthday to me on the 27th! Maybe I’ll make a resolution to write more blogs or something. I dunno. I have no idea what I’m doing in the new year.

And for those of you who might accuse me of writing this blog post as a way of procrastinating both the Christmas card and my writing job...well that's a really accurate guess. Good for you.