Literally No Idea What I am Doing

I can't be mad at my dad for choosing to die. My dad was diagnosed in late July with CNS lymphoma. He had a massive tumor in his frontal lobe and surgery was only able to remove part of it. It was the first day of what was supposed to be a vacation in upstate New York. We had noticed him acting a little strangely the week before, but he stubbornly refused to go to a doctor until we were in Syracuse. I remember when they said he had a brain tumor the floor fell from beneath my feet and I felt cold all over. It couldn't be happening. He had his surgery in New York and we left for home (Kansas, driving) a few days later. He was back in the hospital almost as soon as we got home. He had an infection, which necessitated more surgery. But he also had diabetes, so they had to get his blood sugar under control before they could clear the infection. He was in the ICU for almost a week I believe, mostly not responsive. After another week or so he was transferred to a different hos...

How appropriate my last blog post was about my dad as well and what a great father he is… My dad has cancer. My dad has cancer . My dad has cancer. My dad has cancer. I keep repeating it to myself over and over and over again, hoping it’ll help me believe it. It doesn’t. I have told this story a dozen times already, but I want to write it down once more. Two months ago, everything was great. I had a boyfriend whom I loved, I was getting ready to go on a trip to my favorite place (Syracuse, NY) with my family, my sister had just adopted an adorable puppy, and my depression was more under control than it had been my whole life. Things were sailing along. My sister mentioned my dad was acting sort of strange, but we brushed it off because he seemed mostly fine. He had just been told he had a sinus infection, so we figured that was making him a little tired and it explained his memory problems and just slightly off behavior. Four days later, whe...

So Father’s Day is on Sunday, and it is Friday. And here I am, silently panicking about not having anything to give my dad. Last year, the siblings and I joined together and bought him a smoker as a combined Father’s Day/60 th   birthday present. That is a hard thing to beat. My dad is impossible to shop for as it is. He always says he doesn’t need anything, or he has a very short list. Lists are great for giving ideas, but when a list is very short, you run the risk of buying a double present and it doesn’t give you a lot of options. This is why, when I write my list each year, it is long and varied and has many examples. I don’t expect to receive all of the things, but at least you get an idea of the kinds of things I like and have the freedom to either directly shop from the list, or get creative. So every Christmas and birthday for my dad, I have to get creative. Kitchen gadgets are always a safe option; he loves cooking and could always use a new toy. Also safe are c...

This is a sort of follow up to my last post. It's not about writing though. It's about my friends. I am going to tell you about four of my dearest friends. For privacy reasons, I will be referring to them as M, E, A, and L. Which I didn't notice until right now spells MEAL. That was accidental. A couple of them do have an online presence, but since I am not telling them about this post, it is not my place to reveal their identities. If you know me personally, you probably will know to whom I am referring when I start talking about them. I will be talking about them in the order that I met them. This means nothing beyond the fact that I have known M longer than I have known L. M So M is first. I have known M for a very, very long time. We met in middle school. For someone who moved around a lot as a kid, keeping in contact with a friend for that long is nothing short of a miracle for me. When I say that M and I have been friends since the moment we met, I am not ex...

A friend and I were texting each other the other night and I told her how jealous I was that she works as a freelance writer and has written novels (or at least a good chunk of a novel) and that she gets to spend so much time working on her craft. This is nothing unusual for me; I spend a lot of my time marveling and admiring my friends and how awesome they are. I’ve told them this enough to probably make them plenty uncomfortable. Like so many of my feelings, it is perhaps best depicted in this comic from Girls With Slingshots (link) THIS IS HOW I FEEL 80% OF THE TIME ABOUT MY FRIENDS. *cough* ahem But really, they are that amazing. At least in my eyes. I have friends who are writers, voice actors, photographers, doctors, etc. They are doing what they love and they are doing it well. I don’t mind it. I love that they are happy. They’re all beautiful amazing people and I love them so much. But this has nothing to do with writing, except that their wonderful accomplish...

Look, I am going to be blunt here. Blunt and honest and completely frank. I have never, ever, openly talked about this, and honestly it is hard. But I am at a time in my life where I am recognizing the things that need to be changed and implementing plans on how to change them. So, here it goes. I am obese. I have been for as long as I can remember. When I was a teen, I was told I'd grow out of it. But I didn't. It's a problem that has plagued me my whole life. Though it may not have been a primary focus or concern, it was always there, lurking. Silent, but present. I know that I have been incredibly fortunate. I was never, as far as I recall, bullied or teased about my weight in any of the numerous places I lived and attended church. I don't even think my sister teased me about it. I have also never suffered any true adverse effects on my health because of my weight. I do not have diabetes, which I am especially thankful for due to my family history. The worst prob...

Guys, I will make this short and sweet. 1) Yeah I know, I completely failed to keep up with the progress of these products. Life happened and also: 2) Full disclosure: I went to the doctor and got prescribed some stuff for my acne. So it wouldn't have been fair if I kept reviewing the products when I was also using that stuff. IN SUMMATION OF MY EXPERIENCE: -The masks it sent with the box were fantastic. Need more of those -The only thing I have had to buy for my skin in the last FIVE MONTHS was cotton rounds -Still not actually run out of anything actually. The Toner and Peel are getting low though, so I am going to find new products to try -My skin is better, though not perfect -I will continue to consult with my doctor about my skin concerns (AS SHOULD YOU IF YOU HAVE ANY) -Totally worth it. Would do it again

Now is the time of year when people go off on long, nostalgic rants about the ending year and the one that is eminent. They recant the things they have done, the things they have learned, and their goals for the next twelve months of their lives. This makes sense; one year is ending and another is beginning. It is a time of rebirth, starting over, and getting a clean slate. It is just like how every morning is the start of a new day, but on a bigger scale. It literally happens once a year. Overall, this past year has been mixed, as I am sure it has been for most people. There have been some goods, some bads, and some in-betweens. Should I judge the quality of the year by the events that have transpired? That does seem a bit arbitrary as very often life events are out of our control. Instead, I would perhaps prefer to critique my year based off of a quote from Parks and Recreation : “Are you better off?” Am I better off than I was a year ago? The answer is, undeniably, yes I am. ...