Everyone Leaves

When I was growing up, I moved a lot and never had a chance to have many friends. Now that I’ve actually lived places long enough to form friendships, I have observed a pattern:

Everybody leaves.

I used to do the leaving by moving states away in a time when there was no texting or really even instant messaging or email. Now I am the one that is left.

It’s not malicious. It’s probably not even intentional. I don’t make friends with cruel people. But whether it’s a boyfriend, girlfriend, job, family, a baby, or a new friend, my friends all eventually move on. Most do stay in contact, at least for a while. Very few have managed to stick around over the years (Moogle-chan, Raskolnikov, and my Asian), but even then we can go for days, weeks, and even months without speaking and years pass before we see each other.

Family is excluded from this, obviously. They were my only constant throughout my semi-nomadic childhood.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my friends. I don’t begrudge them for leaving. They move on to happier and better things. And I am still there for them, even if we haven’t spoken in a long time. And it’s not always a permanent leaving. Like I said, some of my friends have been around for a while and we still touch base. But it is an inevitability. It happens to all of them. For some it is after only a few weeks. Some have managed to hang around for months or a couple years. But it will happen.

Once I realized this, I couldn’t figure out why. Why do people who seem to enjoy spending time with me all eventually move on? Do they not really like me? Am I really that horrible that people cannot stand being around me for that long? But I think I have figured it out.

I like to think I am a good friend. I will do everything I can to make you happy. I will feed you and talk to you and encourage you to do happy things and worry over you when I sense you’re unhappy. I will care for you and never, ever judge you. I try to give good advice and also know when to back off and not fight or disagree over stuff unless I feel like it’s really important. I try not to be annoying, I try not to let my own emotional problems drag you down (though I frequently fail at this). And I don’t ask for anything in return. Which is the problem.

See it kind of sounds like you need me and I don’t need you. I try and provide emotional support and whatnot, but don’t really require you to do the same in return. But really, it’s the other way around. I NEED people to take care of, I need people to worry over and to comfort and to bake for and to make happy. You don’t really need me. I’m more like your mother, and everyone eventually outgrows their mother.

I wouldn’t even begin to know how to take care of myself. What does that even mean?


It’s fine though. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy. But…it does get lonely. It gets hard to see everyone I love happy without me. It hurts to see my friends moving on with their lives and being left behind. I’m still here. I still want to be your friend. I know you have better things now, but is there maybe any room left for me? I won’t take up much space, I promise. Just let me in and don’t forget me. Please? I’m sorry I have emotional break downs and rant to you about my feelings and drag you down. I don’t mean to, I swear. I just want someone to be there for me and I want to be there for you too. Please don’t shut me out. Please don’t ignore me. Just be my friend, and don’t leave me behind. Please. I’m still here.

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