Everyone Leaves
When I was growing up, I moved a lot and never had a chance to
have many friends. Now that I’ve actually lived places long enough to form
friendships, I have observed a pattern:
Everybody leaves.
I used to do the leaving by moving states away in a time
when there was no texting or really even instant messaging or email. Now I am
the one that is left.
It’s not malicious. It’s probably not even intentional. I
don’t make friends with cruel people. But whether it’s a boyfriend, girlfriend,
job, family, a baby, or a new friend, my friends all eventually move on. Most
do stay in contact, at least for a while. Very few have managed to stick around
over the years (Moogle-chan, Raskolnikov, and my Asian), but even then we can
go for days, weeks, and even months without speaking and years pass before we
see each other.
Family is excluded from this, obviously. They were my only
constant throughout my semi-nomadic childhood.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my friends. I don’t begrudge them
for leaving. They move on to happier and better things. And I am still there
for them, even if we haven’t spoken in a long time. And it’s not always a
permanent leaving. Like I said, some of my friends have been around for a while
and we still touch base. But it is an inevitability. It happens to all of them.
For some it is after only a few weeks. Some have managed to hang around for
months or a couple years. But it will happen.
Once I realized this, I couldn’t figure out why. Why do
people who seem to enjoy spending time with me all eventually move on? Do they
not really like me? Am I really that horrible that people cannot stand being
around me for that long? But I think I have figured it out.
I like to think I am a good friend. I will do everything I
can to make you happy. I will feed you and talk to you and encourage you to do
happy things and worry over you when I sense you’re unhappy. I will care for
you and never, ever judge you. I try to give good advice and also know when to
back off and not fight or disagree over stuff unless I feel like it’s really
important. I try not to be annoying, I try not to let my own emotional problems
drag you down (though I frequently fail at this). And I don’t ask for anything
in return. Which is the problem.
See it kind of sounds like you need me and I don’t need you.
I try and provide emotional support and whatnot, but don’t really require you
to do the same in return. But really, it’s the other way around. I NEED people
to take care of, I need people to worry over and to comfort and to bake for and
to make happy. You don’t really need me. I’m more like your mother, and
everyone eventually outgrows their mother.
I wouldn’t even begin to know how to take care of myself.
What does that even mean?
It’s fine though. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy. But…it
does get lonely. It gets hard to see everyone I love happy without me. It hurts
to see my friends moving on with their lives and being left behind. I’m still
here. I still want to be your friend. I know you have better things now, but is
there maybe any room left for me? I won’t take up much space, I promise. Just
let me in and don’t forget me. Please? I’m sorry I have emotional break downs
and rant to you about my feelings and drag you down. I don’t mean to, I swear.
I just want someone to be there for me and I want to be there for you too. Please
don’t shut me out. Please don’t ignore me. Just be my friend, and don’t leave
me behind. Please. I’m still here.
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